No more optimism

I just read my last blog entry, the one filled with optimism after the last iui. I'm here to tell you that optimism is dead and buried. I had so many horrible side effects from the hcg trigger that even in that 2 week wait I started to sort of hope I wasn't pregnant because I didn't know if I could deal with 40 weeks of those hormones. My husband and I talked about our bucket lists and book a Christmas cruise even before we were sure of a negative test. There has to be more to life, for us, than constantly living in the "what if" or "just in case". I'm sick of it. I simply can't do it anymore. My husband wants to try Ivf someday but I don't really have an opinion on that yet. I don't know if I want to. I'm tired of it all. I want off the ride and honestly, in my own mind--I'm off.

IUI #2 complete!

Wow! Today's IUI was light years away from the last one. In a good way! She mentioned how last time most of the sperm were dead but this time they weren't!! That fertilaid may be doing some good!!?? The procedure was a ton less painful and I didn't even cry! We even made a video to our future baby and showed them the tube they were sitting in at the moment. My husband said "we've been praying all day!" And "can't wait to meet you in 40 weeks!" "I am your father!" Lol....I'm feeling optimistic. Like so optimistic that I want to go to babies r us and start picking things out. According to Re schedule I should be ovulating right now. Literally. So that spermie is there just waiting. Fingers crossed so big! This next 2 weeks is going to be a serious roller coaster!!

Trigger shot

Last night the time came for my husband to inject that dreaded trigger shot. I made a bag of ice and iced the area as much as possible. When he was ready to inject he asked if I was. I told him no "can you play around back there for a little while and then do it?" I was slumped over my bed, all kinds of butt in the air. I don't know what kind of playing I meant, but apparently he thought I meant I wanted him to ice it more. I was nervous. I'm a big fat baby about needles. It is a fear I realize is partially unfounded but it is a fear nonetheless. After he played around with the ice pack for a bit I declared that I couldn't do this, I needed my step daughter to come and let me squeeze her. She came into the room and sat on my bed. I wrapped hands around her leg and even at some point I bit her leg. I scratched her so hard you can see 4 nail marks in her leg. She was laughing so hard. I couldn't have done it without a body to squeeze and without her distraction. My right cheek is quite sore today. Iui #2 is tomorrow. Oh Lord, please let this be it. I beg you. I am not worthy of your blessings but if you could bless me with a child I promises to do my best to raise him/her knowing their Heavenly Father. Please Lord. Amen.

Perhaps I'm totally losing my mind or God is really talking to me. Sunday at church I cried basically the whole time. Over our battle with infertility. I had a moment of calm where I imagined I'd have a baby girl and her name would be Mercy. I don't know if this was a whisper from God or my own imagination. The name Mercy isn't my first choice but it feels right. The same day of my last post, in fact maybe an hour after, Aunt Flo arrived, just like my RE IUI schedule told me it would. We've decided to do a couple more iui's but our brains are constantly working and planning and thinking of the what if's. I am hopeful, still. And speaking of brains, I think I got a mild concussion yesterday. I took the kids to a spring and must have done 100 flips and dives off the platform and this one time I tried to do a flip in the air and landed flat on the side of my brain. I was having trouble staying awake on the drive home and work up feeling almost paralyzed this morning. My husband googled the symptoms and aside from nausea and vomiting I had every single one. I could chalk up the massive headache to femara because if memory serves me correctly this is the one side effect I get every time. Anyway...I'm sure I'll live.

So, onto more pressing questions. FERTILAID? something I've read about for years but never tried. I've gone to every possible source to read the reviews. Tony is on the fertilaid for men now. I'm considering getting it for myself but that would mean I'd have to stop metformin. I'm wondering if it'd be worth the shot. Many people seem to have found success with it--some even after no success with high tech fertility treatments. A part of me thinks if I just take this natural supplement, and T too, we'd be able to have a miraculous conception. Maybe we'll try this if the next 2 iui treatments are not successful.

A whisper from God?

After visiting the RE last week I dared to ask for a print out of my cycle schedule even though I told them I needed to discuss with my husband if we were going to proceed or not, given the low sperm count. I cried a bit after the appointment but by the time T got home from work that night I cheerfully told him "I have a plan!" "We are going to follow this RE schedule but we are going to skip the ultrasounds and have the OB do the iui. We're going to do this over and over again if we have to. And that's that." My husband agreed and so I'm here now waiting for Aunt Flo after taking out the Nuva ring but she isn't showing any signs. I called in a script for provera and I'll start taking it tomorrow if she hasn't shown by then. This will of course set us back a few days but I know how to count calendar days so we'll still be able to follow RE protocall.
 T started taking fertilaid for men in addition to his hcg injections. I'm considering the fertilaid for women but have read that it depletes the effects of metformin. Speaking of metformin, that's this whole other issue. I'm not sure that I should keep taking of but I'm afraid to stop. It hasn't done 1 thing they said it would. I've been on it for a year and a half and it hasn't brought on a single period, weight loss, or stopped excess hair growth. AND I am sick every single morning when I was up. I either have to potty or I vomit. I vomit almost daily. I started to think the vomiting was because I often snack at night and perhaps my good isn't able to digest when I am sleeping. I've stopped eating after 7 pm and can conclusively tell you it does not help. (I'm still not eating after 7, for dieting purposes-not to cure sickness in the morning).
 I've sort of come to this place of resolve.  We are going to do everything we can do. There is much we cannot do. But for everything we can, we are going full throttle. I got this feeling. This whisper. This hope. God is going to give us a baby. Am I of so little faith that I don't have faith that He can give me a baby? Where has my faith been? No matter how low the sperm count, God can do this. And I feel like He told me He would. I cannot explain this whispering feeling that came over me but suddenly I kept think "God is going to give us a baby! He is!" And thoughts of showing my belief and my faith started to wisp through my head. Buy things. Start to prepare. Because this I going to happen. God can and He will! I have to believe I have to show that I have faith in His plan and his timing. It's going to happen. I believe!

Defeated

I went to the RE this morning for my baseline ultrasound and found that my ovaries look good and my lining is 9mm. But before the good news about my own body the news of my husbands sperm analysis from Monday got dropped on me. 7.1 million. Nothing has improved since last time and the count is actually lower. I was depressed the moment I walked into the building. There was a couple stopped on the sidewalk with a precious little boy who couldn't have been older than 2. The mom started singing "raindrops on my head" to the little boy. You could tell she was an awesome mom and her boy adored her. Somehow I ended up getting behind this family on the elevator. The woman looked at me after she pressed the 2 and I said "I think I need 3". There are only 3 floors in the building, the first is the surgery center and in my head it wasn't possible that they'd be going to the same floor as me. When the door opened on the second floor I realized we were going to the same place. It was lovely to see such a precious child yet an all too well reminder of what I long for.
 One I got the news of the sperm analysis my mind was not there anymore. The nurse started talking to me about dates and ultrasounds and calendars and I honestly can't remember anything she said. I wasn't listening. She even stopped to ask, "is everything else okay?" Maybe my distant withdrawn demeanor isn't what she's used to? I just wanted to get in my car so I could cry. T and I just had some deep discussions last night in which he told me he how bad he wanted a baby with me. It was and is still raining when I finally left the torture office and no sooner than I shut my car door I shed my tears  and then I drove away. I started thinking of ways to do another iui not at RE prices. Failures that cost a few hundred dollars are much easier to swallow than ones that cost over a grand. We could try again with the OB without feeling like we were putting so many eggs in a barren basket.

 As I approache home I realized I had 2 sleeping teenagers in my house that will just be waking up with hungry bellies and I went back I to step-mom mode and out of that of self-pity. Last night as I was cutting my step sons hair I said "I can't wait to be. Grandma (it's funny because I'm only 29)! I'm going to spoil those babies so bad!" My step son said "yeah I'm gonna be like, do you want to go to step grandmothers house?" To which I replied "I want to be called Nanna! You guys promise I could be Nanna!" To which he says "oh yeah, okay!" I mention this because those words hurt. Step grandma. There is a thing as being a step parent. But a step grandparent? No. I just want to be Nanna.

 My husband texted with me about how disappointed he was today. I told him I loved him and that wasn't going to change. Last night he told me that in making his decision to marry me he'd told himself that he would do whatever it took to make me a mother. Sometimes I just want to give up. When I texted him today telling him I didn't want to do this he wrote back saying "but I do". He knows I don't meant when I say I do t want this. He knows I want it. He also knows how upset I get at failed attempts. My husband is 43. The clock is ticking.

 Sometimes I think about just giving up and quitting worrying about saving for fertility treatments. I could finally buy my dream home with a pool. I could be the entertainer I love being. The kids friends could hang out at our house and have fun. Make memories. Since my step kids moved in late last year it seems the walls on our house are closing in. But I feel sort of stuck here in a lower mortgage JUST IN CASE we have a baby. Both for the finances to make it and to afford for me to not need to worry about bringing in income if said baby just so happened to happen. How long do you live your life IN CASE something happens? I'm struggling with this. Very much.

No carbs means death. Let me explain how I really feel

Sure, I've parted with carbs at various intervals of my life but right now, it's making me incredibly emotional. Maybe it's that I haven't had chickfila in almost 24 hours or its those sweet frozen gogurts in the freezer begging to be eaten but I'll damned if I'm not in the worst mood. My husband won't talk to me. He won't answer his phone. Does he think his job is more important than me? Clearly I've gone off the deep end and its the lack of carbs I'm sure.

 In more rational news...my husbands blood work came back great on the testosterone scale and so his little swimmers should be getting stronger. I have to say though, I won't be one bit surprised or probably even off-put if we get bad news with a sperm analysis. I'm used to things being shitty. Such is my life. If your life is dreamy and fantastic and your house is perfectly clean and you don't have back fat or a throbbing ingrown toenail then please jump in front of a moving car. Did I mention I was put on the Nuva ring? Every time I have sex my stomach aches as if there is some unnatural substance being jammed into my uterus. Birth control is the devil unless you're a sucky person. Not that I'm using it to control any birthing you probably already know RE's use it to balance hormones before treatment or some crap like that. Husbands sperm analysis is on June 3rd and my baseline appointment is on the 6th. My trigger shot should come in the mail tomorrow. I don't even know how we will pay for this. I really don't. I guess I'm either in denial that everything will actually go right and we'll get to actually go through with an iui or I'm in denial that we'll actually have to pay for it. Whatever. I like being delusional it suits me fine. Goodbye