IUI complete

Yesterday was iui day and it was much more difficult than I anticipated. The doctor came into the room as I'm on the table ready for the procedure and tells me there are more dead sperm than alive. But he says it only takes one. I asked him how many there were but he said they didn't count them. He was basically asking if we wanted to move forward. I asked him what he thought and that's when he said it only takes one and he said its worth trying this was a couple of times. My feelings were hurt at this point and I was confused. And then they started going to work. Apparently my uterus is high and small so it took lots of prodding to get the catheter in the right place. It was much more painful than I anticipated. I laid there covered my face with my hands and arms just trying to be strong. My husband rubbed me and held me and he was so everything I could ever ask for in a husband and support. As soon as the procedure was done I lost it. I started crying uncontrollably and honestly I don't remember much of what anyone said to me. I was just hurt and it all hit me in a deep way I can't even explain. I do remember the doctor talking about ivf. That hurt too. He would say something kind of discouraging and then say something positive. It was like a roller coaster. All the while my vagina is being prodded and poked in this unnatural way. No one deserves to have to go through this. I was just upset. The nurse and doc left the room while I laid there. T and I didn't talk. I just cried. He kept rubbing me and looking at me aski g if I was okay. His face looked to concerned and so loving. Again--couldn't have asked for anything more from him. I don't think I said a word on our 26 mile ride home. I got in the car and laid the seat back. I cried a little and then looked at the sky. I was pretending the shapes of the clouds were shaped like babies, I was talking to God--trying so hard to give it to Him and to have faith that He is in control and no matter what the numbers if it was His will it would be. I started following the sun and I told God that if He was with me to let the sun follow me home. I love the sun. It did. When we turned I into our neighborhood it lost me for a second. But when we turned onto our street there it was again shining brightly at me. I walked into the house and into my bedroom and collapsed on my bed into a sea of tears. It was one of the most traumatic and emotional days of my life. I slept for most of it, on purpose. After we made whoopie last night T told me to pick my butt up. When I asked why he said he was going to put something under it so maybe "more" would go in. It was so cute. He said he felt a peace when he prayed and he seemed kind of excited that it will work. I've given it to God and I'm just trying to turn off my emotions for now. I know this post I splattered all over the place but I wanted to update before my memory goes foggy. Be blessed.