No more optimism

I just read my last blog entry, the one filled with optimism after the last iui. I'm here to tell you that optimism is dead and buried. I had so many horrible side effects from the hcg trigger that even in that 2 week wait I started to sort of hope I wasn't pregnant because I didn't know if I could deal with 40 weeks of those hormones. My husband and I talked about our bucket lists and book a Christmas cruise even before we were sure of a negative test. There has to be more to life, for us, than constantly living in the "what if" or "just in case". I'm sick of it. I simply can't do it anymore. My husband wants to try Ivf someday but I don't really have an opinion on that yet. I don't know if I want to. I'm tired of it all. I want off the ride and honestly, in my own mind--I'm off.

IUI #2 complete!

Wow! Today's IUI was light years away from the last one. In a good way! She mentioned how last time most of the sperm were dead but this time they weren't!! That fertilaid may be doing some good!!?? The procedure was a ton less painful and I didn't even cry! We even made a video to our future baby and showed them the tube they were sitting in at the moment. My husband said "we've been praying all day!" And "can't wait to meet you in 40 weeks!" "I am your father!" Lol....I'm feeling optimistic. Like so optimistic that I want to go to babies r us and start picking things out. According to Re schedule I should be ovulating right now. Literally. So that spermie is there just waiting. Fingers crossed so big! This next 2 weeks is going to be a serious roller coaster!!

Trigger shot

Last night the time came for my husband to inject that dreaded trigger shot. I made a bag of ice and iced the area as much as possible. When he was ready to inject he asked if I was. I told him no "can you play around back there for a little while and then do it?" I was slumped over my bed, all kinds of butt in the air. I don't know what kind of playing I meant, but apparently he thought I meant I wanted him to ice it more. I was nervous. I'm a big fat baby about needles. It is a fear I realize is partially unfounded but it is a fear nonetheless. After he played around with the ice pack for a bit I declared that I couldn't do this, I needed my step daughter to come and let me squeeze her. She came into the room and sat on my bed. I wrapped hands around her leg and even at some point I bit her leg. I scratched her so hard you can see 4 nail marks in her leg. She was laughing so hard. I couldn't have done it without a body to squeeze and without her distraction. My right cheek is quite sore today. Iui #2 is tomorrow. Oh Lord, please let this be it. I beg you. I am not worthy of your blessings but if you could bless me with a child I promises to do my best to raise him/her knowing their Heavenly Father. Please Lord. Amen.

Perhaps I'm totally losing my mind or God is really talking to me. Sunday at church I cried basically the whole time. Over our battle with infertility. I had a moment of calm where I imagined I'd have a baby girl and her name would be Mercy. I don't know if this was a whisper from God or my own imagination. The name Mercy isn't my first choice but it feels right. The same day of my last post, in fact maybe an hour after, Aunt Flo arrived, just like my RE IUI schedule told me it would. We've decided to do a couple more iui's but our brains are constantly working and planning and thinking of the what if's. I am hopeful, still. And speaking of brains, I think I got a mild concussion yesterday. I took the kids to a spring and must have done 100 flips and dives off the platform and this one time I tried to do a flip in the air and landed flat on the side of my brain. I was having trouble staying awake on the drive home and work up feeling almost paralyzed this morning. My husband googled the symptoms and aside from nausea and vomiting I had every single one. I could chalk up the massive headache to femara because if memory serves me correctly this is the one side effect I get every time. Anyway...I'm sure I'll live.

So, onto more pressing questions. FERTILAID? something I've read about for years but never tried. I've gone to every possible source to read the reviews. Tony is on the fertilaid for men now. I'm considering getting it for myself but that would mean I'd have to stop metformin. I'm wondering if it'd be worth the shot. Many people seem to have found success with it--some even after no success with high tech fertility treatments. A part of me thinks if I just take this natural supplement, and T too, we'd be able to have a miraculous conception. Maybe we'll try this if the next 2 iui treatments are not successful.

A whisper from God?

After visiting the RE last week I dared to ask for a print out of my cycle schedule even though I told them I needed to discuss with my husband if we were going to proceed or not, given the low sperm count. I cried a bit after the appointment but by the time T got home from work that night I cheerfully told him "I have a plan!" "We are going to follow this RE schedule but we are going to skip the ultrasounds and have the OB do the iui. We're going to do this over and over again if we have to. And that's that." My husband agreed and so I'm here now waiting for Aunt Flo after taking out the Nuva ring but she isn't showing any signs. I called in a script for provera and I'll start taking it tomorrow if she hasn't shown by then. This will of course set us back a few days but I know how to count calendar days so we'll still be able to follow RE protocall.
 T started taking fertilaid for men in addition to his hcg injections. I'm considering the fertilaid for women but have read that it depletes the effects of metformin. Speaking of metformin, that's this whole other issue. I'm not sure that I should keep taking of but I'm afraid to stop. It hasn't done 1 thing they said it would. I've been on it for a year and a half and it hasn't brought on a single period, weight loss, or stopped excess hair growth. AND I am sick every single morning when I was up. I either have to potty or I vomit. I vomit almost daily. I started to think the vomiting was because I often snack at night and perhaps my good isn't able to digest when I am sleeping. I've stopped eating after 7 pm and can conclusively tell you it does not help. (I'm still not eating after 7, for dieting purposes-not to cure sickness in the morning).
 I've sort of come to this place of resolve.  We are going to do everything we can do. There is much we cannot do. But for everything we can, we are going full throttle. I got this feeling. This whisper. This hope. God is going to give us a baby. Am I of so little faith that I don't have faith that He can give me a baby? Where has my faith been? No matter how low the sperm count, God can do this. And I feel like He told me He would. I cannot explain this whispering feeling that came over me but suddenly I kept think "God is going to give us a baby! He is!" And thoughts of showing my belief and my faith started to wisp through my head. Buy things. Start to prepare. Because this I going to happen. God can and He will! I have to believe I have to show that I have faith in His plan and his timing. It's going to happen. I believe!

Defeated

I went to the RE this morning for my baseline ultrasound and found that my ovaries look good and my lining is 9mm. But before the good news about my own body the news of my husbands sperm analysis from Monday got dropped on me. 7.1 million. Nothing has improved since last time and the count is actually lower. I was depressed the moment I walked into the building. There was a couple stopped on the sidewalk with a precious little boy who couldn't have been older than 2. The mom started singing "raindrops on my head" to the little boy. You could tell she was an awesome mom and her boy adored her. Somehow I ended up getting behind this family on the elevator. The woman looked at me after she pressed the 2 and I said "I think I need 3". There are only 3 floors in the building, the first is the surgery center and in my head it wasn't possible that they'd be going to the same floor as me. When the door opened on the second floor I realized we were going to the same place. It was lovely to see such a precious child yet an all too well reminder of what I long for.
 One I got the news of the sperm analysis my mind was not there anymore. The nurse started talking to me about dates and ultrasounds and calendars and I honestly can't remember anything she said. I wasn't listening. She even stopped to ask, "is everything else okay?" Maybe my distant withdrawn demeanor isn't what she's used to? I just wanted to get in my car so I could cry. T and I just had some deep discussions last night in which he told me he how bad he wanted a baby with me. It was and is still raining when I finally left the torture office and no sooner than I shut my car door I shed my tears  and then I drove away. I started thinking of ways to do another iui not at RE prices. Failures that cost a few hundred dollars are much easier to swallow than ones that cost over a grand. We could try again with the OB without feeling like we were putting so many eggs in a barren basket.

 As I approache home I realized I had 2 sleeping teenagers in my house that will just be waking up with hungry bellies and I went back I to step-mom mode and out of that of self-pity. Last night as I was cutting my step sons hair I said "I can't wait to be. Grandma (it's funny because I'm only 29)! I'm going to spoil those babies so bad!" My step son said "yeah I'm gonna be like, do you want to go to step grandmothers house?" To which I replied "I want to be called Nanna! You guys promise I could be Nanna!" To which he says "oh yeah, okay!" I mention this because those words hurt. Step grandma. There is a thing as being a step parent. But a step grandparent? No. I just want to be Nanna.

 My husband texted with me about how disappointed he was today. I told him I loved him and that wasn't going to change. Last night he told me that in making his decision to marry me he'd told himself that he would do whatever it took to make me a mother. Sometimes I just want to give up. When I texted him today telling him I didn't want to do this he wrote back saying "but I do". He knows I don't meant when I say I do t want this. He knows I want it. He also knows how upset I get at failed attempts. My husband is 43. The clock is ticking.

 Sometimes I think about just giving up and quitting worrying about saving for fertility treatments. I could finally buy my dream home with a pool. I could be the entertainer I love being. The kids friends could hang out at our house and have fun. Make memories. Since my step kids moved in late last year it seems the walls on our house are closing in. But I feel sort of stuck here in a lower mortgage JUST IN CASE we have a baby. Both for the finances to make it and to afford for me to not need to worry about bringing in income if said baby just so happened to happen. How long do you live your life IN CASE something happens? I'm struggling with this. Very much.

No carbs means death. Let me explain how I really feel

Sure, I've parted with carbs at various intervals of my life but right now, it's making me incredibly emotional. Maybe it's that I haven't had chickfila in almost 24 hours or its those sweet frozen gogurts in the freezer begging to be eaten but I'll damned if I'm not in the worst mood. My husband won't talk to me. He won't answer his phone. Does he think his job is more important than me? Clearly I've gone off the deep end and its the lack of carbs I'm sure.

 In more rational news...my husbands blood work came back great on the testosterone scale and so his little swimmers should be getting stronger. I have to say though, I won't be one bit surprised or probably even off-put if we get bad news with a sperm analysis. I'm used to things being shitty. Such is my life. If your life is dreamy and fantastic and your house is perfectly clean and you don't have back fat or a throbbing ingrown toenail then please jump in front of a moving car. Did I mention I was put on the Nuva ring? Every time I have sex my stomach aches as if there is some unnatural substance being jammed into my uterus. Birth control is the devil unless you're a sucky person. Not that I'm using it to control any birthing you probably already know RE's use it to balance hormones before treatment or some crap like that. Husbands sperm analysis is on June 3rd and my baseline appointment is on the 6th. My trigger shot should come in the mail tomorrow. I don't even know how we will pay for this. I really don't. I guess I'm either in denial that everything will actually go right and we'll get to actually go through with an iui or I'm in denial that we'll actually have to pay for it. Whatever. I like being delusional it suits me fine. Goodbye

A decision has been reached. The next IUI will be done with the RE. I'm going to need to feed my family bread sandwiches and water and stay out of the stores, pedicure chairs, away from chikfila....you get it. I got a gym membership so my step daughter and me go as often as we can. We're really into our fitness right now. My husband goes Saturday for blood work to check how he is responding to HCG injections. Basically he is responding like a 12 year old girl who's just gotten her period for the first time and can't control herself. His attitude is not cute, I'm going to need him to put the syringes down ASAP. Lets just pray this works and we'll only have to endure this for a couple more months. This is my update in 60 seconds. Be well. Be kind. Rewind.

All about the benjamins....

My husband started his his HCG shots last week. I was expecting he would immediately turn into some sexual deviant but that hasn't happened so much and I'm really cool with it. He was kind of acting like a girl on Sunday morning (which tends to happen during the Sunday morning trying to get to church on time hustle) but this Sunday it was extra noticeable. He got a drink for us to share and when I commented on the fact that he drank it all and I was SO thirsty (I was joking, usually he wittily responds to my teasing) he got all emotional. "There's another McDonald's right by the church I'll stop and get you another one!" I couldn't help but openly laugh at him and he finally admitted "You've got me all jacked up on hormones what do you expect?" It's kind of fun to give him a turn in this hormone inducing process. Poor thing.

 I'm super confused on what to do next. He takes a blood test next week to check how he is responding to the HCG and 2 weeks after that they will check a sperm sample. I need to keep my body ready but I'm not sure how to go about it at this point. He has 4 months worth of HCG but in infertility world 4 months goes by like 4 days in terms of cycle opportunities. I haven't counted the days but I was a few days into my last cycle on my birthday March 26th so if I was going to start another on my own it should be here or really close. The crazy thing is a couple weeks ago (this is super TMI) when I wiped I had stretchy CM. CM is something I generally lack and so it made me think that maybe I had ovulated on my own--perhaps the Femara awoke the beast? I do not monitor my CM, so I know I did not imagine it! With that said, should I wait it out a few days to see if I'll get aunt flo on my own or go ahead and call for some Provera to bring on a cycle? And then should I take femara even though no IUI is planned until we see results of HCG injections? It could happen naturally, right? I mean, if we were both jacked up on meds? And my third source of confusion is the whole OB vs. RE for IUI thing. My heart of hearts wants to go to the RE for the monitoring factor and the fact that he is super thorough but my bank account tells me that actually injecting sperm into my no-no square is a job that the OB is just as capable of.

 On paper our income looks pretty decent. But hello, we have 2 teenagers, a mortgage, things to fix, car payments, cable, internet, electricity, water, groceries, and did I mention TWO TEENAGERS to support? By the time you pay what you have to pay there just isn't much left. I can't even explain it. It seems like we should be more capable of saving but it just magically disappears. The kids are in private school but next year the girl is planning on a public high school so she can join ROTC and we are considering homeschooling the boy. This should give us some slight relief but it just seems like it is never ever ever ever enough. If we did just one iui with the RE that would probably be all we could afford for a couple months. We could come up with the money for a few consecutive iui's with the OB but would it be smarter to invest more with the RE? I am asking in question form because I don't know the right answer. I feel so up in the air. And then comes the question if iui doesn't work -- how will we ever afford ivf? We have talked about a second mortgage on our house but that would just suck. SO many questions....so little answers. Advice is welcome! Be blessed.

Holy balls, was this a secret?

Guys!! Guys! listen to me for just a minute! 10 2.5mg tablets of Femara is 18 dollars at Costco. I paid almost 200 for it last cycle at Walgreens. Walgreens is my beloved local pharmacy, some techs recognize me before I open my mouth. "Hi Mrs. C!" they'll say. But sweet Walgreens, I'm about to cheat on you sort of like I'm cheating on my doctor. My husband is seeing RE for his sperm issues and he's starting injectable hcg (I think) next week (!) but we are planning to do the next iui with the OB once the RE gives our (okay,his) sperm the go-ahead. I feel kind of bad but you know, we're infertile dammit! We do what we have to do. If we don't advocate for ourselves and watch our pocketbooks no one else will. Anyway so back to my original excitement for this post.....was this cheap drugs at Costco some secret everyone but me knows about??? I mean, I'm kind of hoping that I'm blowing the lid off this so everyone will know now. K so I'm done. Peace

Dear Sperm,

We decided to sit this cycle out while my husband works on his sperm. His primary doctor gave him androgel (testosterone) in a low dose saying that if we increase his testosterone minimally it could help sperm. I'm pretty sure that doctor is a jack hole because if you google androgel it's infamous for making sperm counts go to ZEE-ROW. So husband stopped taking it and he's got an appointment with the RE tomorrow to discuss other options. HCG or HSG? I should know the difference but I don't. Hopefully he'll get on something that will help and we won't be shooting blanks during iui. In other news, being a step parent is so hard. You can be so good to the kids and sacrifice much of yourself for them as their mom can plant one petty idea in their head and then they turn around and smack the hell out of you. I signed up for it because I married my husband, I just had no idea how hard it would be. My first instinct when I don't like a situation is just to run. It's kind of all I know. It's what I do. It's what my mother did. Sticking this storm out is a huge lesson for me. Anyway, that's super off subject of this blog but I suppose I needed to get it off my chest. Oh and I went back to my old job. The job I've had on and off for over 10 years. It feels like home to be back and it's a nice escape from being an infertile step-mom housewife. Ugh that title just looks so ugly. Not what I envisioned for my life. God knows better and His plans are bigger makes sense even if I can't see it, right? Be blessed.

13 days post iui, hello Aunt Flo

I guess this at least confirms the fact that I did ovulate and was correct about the timing. I can't start another cycle this month because my husband thought he lost his wallet and canceled our med card therefore I can't get the medication. (Am I bitter? You betcha) So there's that. Instead of selling my house I'm considering refinancing in order to afford ivf. We have a local RE who I've consulted with before that freezes eggs not embryos. **real time update** my husband just sent me to new med card number. lol...pretty sure he knew the great wrath he was about to face, he acted quick! K so now off to call the doctor to see if another iui is even a viable option.

Cd25/6 days post iui

I am losing my mind.

IUI complete

Yesterday was iui day and it was much more difficult than I anticipated. The doctor came into the room as I'm on the table ready for the procedure and tells me there are more dead sperm than alive. But he says it only takes one. I asked him how many there were but he said they didn't count them. He was basically asking if we wanted to move forward. I asked him what he thought and that's when he said it only takes one and he said its worth trying this was a couple of times. My feelings were hurt at this point and I was confused. And then they started going to work. Apparently my uterus is high and small so it took lots of prodding to get the catheter in the right place. It was much more painful than I anticipated. I laid there covered my face with my hands and arms just trying to be strong. My husband rubbed me and held me and he was so everything I could ever ask for in a husband and support. As soon as the procedure was done I lost it. I started crying uncontrollably and honestly I don't remember much of what anyone said to me. I was just hurt and it all hit me in a deep way I can't even explain. I do remember the doctor talking about ivf. That hurt too. He would say something kind of discouraging and then say something positive. It was like a roller coaster. All the while my vagina is being prodded and poked in this unnatural way. No one deserves to have to go through this. I was just upset. The nurse and doc left the room while I laid there. T and I didn't talk. I just cried. He kept rubbing me and looking at me aski g if I was okay. His face looked to concerned and so loving. Again--couldn't have asked for anything more from him. I don't think I said a word on our 26 mile ride home. I got in the car and laid the seat back. I cried a little and then looked at the sky. I was pretending the shapes of the clouds were shaped like babies, I was talking to God--trying so hard to give it to Him and to have faith that He is in control and no matter what the numbers if it was His will it would be. I started following the sun and I told God that if He was with me to let the sun follow me home. I love the sun. It did. When we turned I into our neighborhood it lost me for a second. But when we turned onto our street there it was again shining brightly at me. I walked into the house and into my bedroom and collapsed on my bed into a sea of tears. It was one of the most traumatic and emotional days of my life. I slept for most of it, on purpose. After we made whoopie last night T told me to pick my butt up. When I asked why he said he was going to put something under it so maybe "more" would go in. It was so cute. He said he felt a peace when he prayed and he seemed kind of excited that it will work. I've given it to God and I'm just trying to turn off my emotions for now. I know this post I splattered all over the place but I wanted to update before my memory goes foggy. Be blessed.

CD18 brings a surprise!

As you can imagine or have possibly experienced, peeing on a stick 2-3 times a day for days on end after one failed cycle can become quite daunting and start to seem pointless. Yesterday, per OPK instructions as I was out running errands I realized that by the time I got home it would have been 4 hours since I'd relieved myself. I worked myself up good thinking "this is going to be it! I just know those 2 lines will be the same today!" I was wrong. I told my husband I didn't want to do this anymore and decided in my own head that I would continue testing until cd21 at which point I would never look at an OPK again. Only RE monitored cycles from now on. Well...

I peed on the stick this morning when I first woke up. It was negative and I didn't give it a second thought. I had dinner with a friend last night who asked me about everything and when I told her it wasn't going good she looked so sad for me and I found myself consoling her in a way--likely to console myself though. "It's okay! Maybe it just isn't in my cards! I know raising kids isn't flowers and lollipops! I'm already raising teenagers, do I really want to start over anyway? When my husband retires we'll travel!" I still believe everything I told her and I know I'm going to be okay no matter what. However, much to my huge surprise I did an 11:30 test today and it was positive!!! It was a double take triple take kind of thing. I can not stress enough how much I didn't expect it. I of course let my husband know right away but it wasn't until I sent a picture of the positive test and got a response from my sister that I sort of lost control. Her first response "OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Second "when u going to dr????????" Third "my stomach is butterflying like crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!" I read all 3 messages at once and I just lost it. If you knew my sister you'd know she is kind of dry and rarely shows emotion. She is amazing and beautiful and her dry humor is nothing but endearing (she's actually the pretty sister lol....even though one time this old lady said I was hehe) but my point is if you knew hew you'd know all the question and exclamation marks are unprecedented and that's when it hit me. My sister has been praying for me and listening to me and living this infertility with me for so many years, it felt so good to actually tell her something good! Through tears I called the doctors office and you guys...YOU GUYS...I asked if my husband should come with me for the iui. You guys. Most insane words I have probably ever said. That's okay I can forgive myself lol. I took another test at 2 with a fresh brew and that was also positive--this made it officially official.

We go in tomorrow morning at 9am and I am kind of freaking. Since the doctor said I can go in the room with T while he's making his deposit I keep asking my husband dumb questions like "what are we gonna do in that room? How are we gonna do it? How am I going to help?" Lol I'm just so nervous. T pointed out to me how far we've come in this process from where we were a year ago. He has a great point, but still. And crazily enough my ovaries feel very full tonight, suddenly. I hope that's a good sign. I keep telling myself "don't put a limit on what God can do!" Trying to keep negative thoughts at bay! Update soon--pray so hard!! Be blessed.

Let's be friends :)

I would love to connect with women who are going through fertility treatment, have made the decision to live childfree, or who have a story...everyone has a story right? Drop me a line and if you have it, a link to your twitter, blog, ect.. I hope to hear from YOU. Be blessed.

Fertility drugs and living child free blogs don't mix

I come to you today on cycle day 5, 3 days into Femara and deeply into thoughts I've never really had before. By happenstance I started following a childless writer on twitter who advocates for women who are childless, not necessarily by choice but who have decided to come to terms with their fate. I read a comment left by a 50-something woman who was writing about having two step-children and closing her infertility chapter until (step) grandchildren came along, and then the grief opened up again. She wrote "the baby looks a little bit like everyone except for me...". This hurt me. I wonder if someday that will be me. I still haven't grieved the loss of my own dream yet. I don't know if it's over yet but I'm in some way trying to prepare myself for it to be. My husband wants so badly for us to have a child. He doesn't put pressure on me or speak about it forcefully but I know. I don't want to disappoint him. I feel like my family is sort of watching me, pitying me and wondering why I haven't had a baby yet. I know being a biological parent isn't the be-all end-all to a woman's life. There are plenty of crappy, absent bio moms to attest to the fact that being a mom isn't every woman's priority. It's just that I always thought it would be mine. It's an identity crisis for me. A hole in my heart that i cant fill. It seems odd that I am trying to grieve the loss of ever being a biological mom amidst undergoing fertility treatment. I asked my husband the other day what we would do if the iui's don't work, would we move to ivf if we could ever afford it? He said he felt a moral conflict with ivf, as do I. There was a finality to that conversation--we will do what we can but neither is willing to compromise our moral grounding for a baby. I think right now the fertility Meds are starting to catch my emotions. I just want to be able to grieve this loss and be okay. Sure, the party isn't over yet but can a woman just have inuition that maybe it is? I want to organize an infertility grief weekend for women or something...there has to be a better way to support and be supported. This is such a silent lonely journey.


I should note that being 3 days into the femara and doubled this cycled seems to be a bit more challenging. Not sure if its because I've been exercising and just stayed busy in general, but my body is exhausted. Even after coffee I can't seem to muster the energy to do much of anything. My face and particular underneath my chin is muttled with what seems like acne. Definitely would say this medication has hit me like a truck today.

CD1 round 2

Well I guess as of today we begin again. I'll be starting 5mg's of Femara on Tuesday and keeping my fingers crossed that I'll actually ovulate this time. Having my teenaged step-kids around pretty much all the time now has proven how difficult but rewarding parenting can be. I said to my husband yesterday "you know if we don't have a baby that means in 6 years when L is grown we can travel the world and just be together." I also pointed out that I don't feel like we need a baby to solitify our marriage and love--I've really just come to this realization. Over 5 years together and we are more in love today as we've ever been. Not that having a baby together wouldn't be completely amazing, I just know that our love is so strong that with or without we will be okay. I also pointed out "unless of course if you died then I'd be devastated to not have your child!" Lol...but I'm serious. He listened to me go on and on and he said baby we aren't giving up yet, I agreed and I digress. I feel calm for some reason! It must be all my prayer warriors. Thank you Jesus for peace that passes all understanding! So...here goes nothin...again. Blessings to all!

CD 31 -- waiting for new cycle

Today is CD 31, I finished taking 5 days of Provera on CD 27 -- I was expecting aunt flo yesterday according to history but no signs yet. Which kind of freaks me out. I called Dr S the OB around CD 21 to let them know I hadn't ovulated so they put me on the Provera and called in 5mg of Femara. So now I just wait for all the crazy to begin again. My husband felt strongly about trying one more time with the OB as opposed to going back to the RE for a much more expensive yet MONITORED cycle. I agreed to give it another go but my hopes aren't super high. My step-kids are living with us full-time now and that's been a crazy transition. In a way it's good because there are other things to occupy my time but it's not like you can really express to young teens what you are going through. I try to smile and pretend like I'm not hurting inside. I don't even really want to blog about this anymore, a big part of me wants to go into a cocoon and hide but I need to. I need to write it out, keep a record; not only for myself but hopefully someday my story will be an extra push to someone else not to give up. Because trust me, if I ever get pregnant...anyone can.

this is hard

Here I am on CD 21 after 2.5mg of Femara on CD's 3-7 and still no positive OPK. I'm pretty sure I had growing follies at around CD 17 that didn't release --I felt like I was brewing triplets but never did see that smiley face. I'm feeling discouraged. I googled "what day did you ovulate on femara" and amazingly got results--(why did I wait so long?) apparently it isn't all that uncommon not to ovulate on your own even with the Femara and need a trigger shot. I pretty much gave up on this cycle days ago but now I'm confused as to where to go from here. It is difficult to cycle without being monitored. It's a constant guessing game and checking for signs and symptoms. It's emotionally exhausting. Our house is supposed to be going on the market soon but I don't care anymore - I'm in no hurry. I think the real estate agent is getting frustrated with me but its not like I can say oh I'm going through fertility treatments right now....people don't understand that. I don't really want to do much of anything as I don't really care to discuss this matter yet it's the only thing really on my mind. I promised myself I would not become consumed by this again and I'm trying really hard but I don't know where to go from here. Do I call Dr S the ob and see what to do or do I go ahead and go back to the RE where they drag things out BUT monitor your cycles and give a trigger shot? I'm super confused. My husband wants to try again with Dr S but my gut is telling me just to go back to RE. I feel as if I've cheated on the RE. Oh well........what to do? I just want to hold my own baby, for once. Can it just be my turn yet?

Femara/IUI CD 14

Today is CD14 and there are no signs of ovulation in sight. I started using OPK's on cycle day 11--we just didn't want to risk missing it. My CM is not at all consistent with pending ovulation according to babycenter.com. I am feeling ovarian pinches of sorts which makes me wonder if something is cooking up in there but a big part of me thinks that this month will be a bust. Perhaps that 2.5 mg of Femara wasn't enough to make me ovulate. Maybe I'll be all wrong--I did see videos on youtube of women who didn't ovulate until around day 20 on a femara cycle. I'm okay if I don't--we'll just try again. At least we are only out less than 100 bucks for the medication.

male factor infertility / cd9

I haven't given my husbands sperm issues too much regard because I just assumed once his vasectomy was reversed that things would be fine. Even after receiving the results of his first analysis post reversal I still was kind of in denial. After all, he has two healthy children already who were conceived via iui -- his sperm has a 75% iui success rate. That was however, 13 years ago. Today, I decided to youtube "Femara" and of course up comes tons of videos of women in the middle of treatment cycles. One in particular struck me--her husband didn't so much have a low count but his motility and morphology weren't very good. She got pregnant with the first iui. You would think that would encourage me right? Nope. Just made me go "oh my gosh I really have forgotten it's not ALL about my body". I went back and read the sperm analysis results which I had the nurse e-mail me so I could obsess without forgetting anything. (this is personal, if you are a prude move along...)

Here is the report:

Volume 1.9 ml

motility 50% but very slow progression.  Grading is done from 0-4+ with 4+ being the best and T’s was 0-1

sperm count 10 million / ml

Total motile sperm (the number of moving sperm in the entire ejaculate) 9.5 million

Normal Forms 2 %

This test was done about 70 days post vasectomy reversal and the red I highlighted are the things that freak me out the most. 0-1 meaning his sperm pretty much doesn't really exist, sort of, in a weird way? And normal forms meaning, only 2% of what he has is normal? I'm kind of distraught.

 Oh and yeah, that whole blog I wrote the other day about how the Femara wasn't affecting me much? Yeah...I cried a few times yesterday without much reason. Spoke too soon. Blessings.  

Femara/Letrozole is relatively painless.

Today is cycle day 8 and I'm due for my fifth and final dose of Femara/letrozole any time now. Several years ago when I took Clomid I remember feeling like my entire uterus and all the parts around it were simultaneously being twisted and stabbed. I was expecting something like that with the Femera but I was completely wrong. My moods haven't been as jacked up as I was expecting either. There have been a couple breaks from reality but I pretty much snapped back within minutes and laughed uncontrollably at myself. I do feel some action in there (ovaries, uterus, whatever) but being that aunt flo isn't still completely gone I'm not sure which to blame. Or maybe it's just too early in the cycle, the mood swings and pain will come later?

 A part of me is a little hesitant with the relative smoothness of the medication, thinking maybe it isn't working. A bigger part of me is thinking I've been through enough already thank goodness this isn't bad. Maybe the Femara is going to simply make me ovulate just like any other woman who ovulates with ease. Dr S told me to start taking OPK's (ovulation predictor kits) on day 13--I'm afraid I will ovulate before that and miss it OR that I won't ovulate until day 30 and those OPK's don't come cheap. Even with my hesitation I'm staying pretty calm, the cycle days are moving pretty quickly and I try not to think about it all the time. I don't want to become consumed. But I do wish I could find a board or blog where women shared which day they ovulated on with Femara. I'll be sure to post mine--be blessed!

Today I got to mark my calendar, CD1! Somehow I knew it would be today! This means that if I do get pregnant this cycle that today would be the date I would put in the due date calculator. I've been reading too many message boards about iui's and I honestly need to stop. I'm encouraged by the reviews of the Femara in PCOS patients but then it scares the crap out of me when people post their sperm analysis and their numbers are way better than mine (I mean my husbands) and they didn't get pregnant. My emotions are so mixed right now--I've been riding this infertility train for at least 8 years, although at times I haven't been active but still, knowing it is a problem is a hard pill to swallow. I'm very very excited, like physically smiling when no one is looking excited to finally have the opportunity to do a fertility treatment. I have stressed over it for so long and now it's finally my turn. I'm trying to not give any of the negative thoughts and fears any attention rather than focus on how grateful I am. But at the same time I'm afraid of the disappointment. I'm sort of really used to the disappointment though, unfortunately. Really above all, I'm just excited and grateful! My thoughts are so scattered!

 So earlier I posted about my love of nicotine. I've  recently broken the habit with the help of nicotine patches but let me tell you it is no picnic. I am caging myself in ad staying pretty closed off to the world, still because it doesn't take much to trigger me. I'm not sure most people in my life get this but whatever, it is what it is. One day I will feel normal again right? Also my love affair with diet coke ended about a month ago- I just have one coffee in the morning now and drink water the rest of the day. Lots and lots of changes. If isolating myself is propelling me into bigger and better then I'm okay with it. I'm jut keeping it real, k?

my special little calendar

I'm sure there is an app for that, but somehow drawing out a child-like calendar makes me feel better about my upcoming cycle. I've used the calendar on my phone to count days, weeks, even months and often lose my spot and have to go back. I can write notes on days but have to look through several days notes before I find the note I was looking for. For this, my first and only (please?) iui cycle I want to be able to see all the days with all the milestones all at once without having to search my phone or look at an app or learn an app. An old-fashioned homemade calendar. It just makes me feel good. :) Anyway enough about that; although the calendar was the main reason for today's blog. The only note written on it so far is "last day of provera". Hopefully soon it will be filled with fertility milestones. I went to a psychic once that told me I would have a baby in the year 2013. I know Christianity and psychics don't really go hand in hand but what I do is my business, so there. :) Point being, in order for her prediction to be true I'd have to conceive within the first 12 weeks of the year which coincidentally would be by March 26th, my 29th birthday. Oy!

 So here I am just patiently waiting on aunt flo to arrive. If the cramps, mood swings, and hot flashes are any indication, I'd say she's pretty close. I can't wait to start marking my calendar "CD1" (cycle day 1) and so on. The ovulation predictor kits I ordered are on their way and the femara is at my pharmacy waiting for it's ride home. C'mon aunt flo, let's get this party started! Blessings!

Juicy News Here

Wow, I can't believe it's been an entire year since my last post--where does the time go? The last year has been crazy and hectic and no fertility treatments have taken place. But fret not, it's about to happen, for real!

 I finished hair school with flying colors and went on to work in a private salon for a bit and then moved to a chain salon. You know the kind where they brainwash you, use up your talents and then dispose of you. Okay maybe that's a bit dramatic. It WAS a fabulous learning experience and my coworkers for the most part were fantastic wonderful people and probably long term friends. But the company itself, let's just say I'm a little too independent and rebellious for those antics. Anyway, in short, my past year was full of learning the hair business, LOTS.OF.LEARNING, lots of anxiety, and mostly just trying to keep my head above water in a new world.

 You know that RE I found? While I don't doubt their abilities, I find myself frustrated with them more than happy and that's not cool. We were on the IVF track due to my husband having had a vasectomy but something felt wrong about it to me. I started praying about it in a very concentrated way and I knew that it felt wrong because it was wrong for us. It wasn't what God intended. I'm not saying IVF is bad by any stretch, but it wasn't in OUR cards.

 A 2,500 dollar surgery is required in order to retrieve sperm post vasectomy and it's a one shot deal. IVF has to be performed with the goods retrieved so obviously that wasn't going to work for us. We found a doctor in the great state of Oklahoma who exclusively performs vasectomy reversals at a SUPER decent rate and in September we took a long journey to his office. This journey required over 40 total hours of driving and nothing went wrong. I took it as a sign that God had blessed this trip, this surgery, and that we were doing exactly what we were supposed to. The doctor, a peculiar man, but a seemingly honorable and Christian guy prayed over the surgery with us and made it known that the Lord was the great physician, not he. It felt so good knowing that our doctor was being guided by divine hands! His name is Dr. David Wilson for anyone who is interested. :)  Be prepared for a waiting list but your turn will come and it will be worth it.

 Of course after a vasectomy reversal you have to wait a few months before you can check the goods to make sure it worked. Well we waited and we checked and I am happy to announce my husband has happy little swimmers....tmi? And I'm not sure I mentioned that I have been on metformin the past year to control my insulin resistance. So basically in terms of fertility stuff, we spent the year saving up and waiting for the vasectomy reversal and me trying to adjust to a medication that makes me ill. Now let's talk for a minute about this RE's office, it's nice, pretty, and pleasant but at a price. Anytime you so much as put a foot, just one foot, not both, inside that office you better be ready to cough up a sixty dollar copay. Oh we ordered labs two weeks ago at your appointment? Come back so we can give you the results, that'll cost you 60. Oh so you need a refill, come in, we'll hook you up, 60 dollars please. It's like they just drag things out for the sake of making you spend more. Like I said earlier, I don't doubt their abilities or good reputation, I do however doubt their communication abilities. I really can't put into words the frustrations I've felt with them, I'd had to go into my memory bank to remember the conversations to write down and I'm really not in the mood to dwell..........So here's the good news........

 I needed a yearly and a new ob/gyn. The ob office I've frequented since forever doesn't tickle my fancy either. In case you haven't noticed, I am quick to leave a doctor. We pay A LOT of money for our good insurance and I expect the best. Doctors have a way of being cold and impersonal and I get it, they are busy and probably have bigger problems to deal with than mine BUT that doesn't work for me. So last week I went on a long internet search for the best doctors in my area. I read every review I could possibly find and finally settled on a doctor whose office is 26 miles away but so far he was worth every single mile. I've never been to an ob where you get to go into the doctors office (like his real office, you know the one with his books, computer, personal photos). I got to shake his hand and chat for a few before I was taken into the exam room, told to strip down, and get violated, in the most non-violating way of course. And then after I was violated I was taken back into his office where we chatted for a long time. He was seriously perfect. As our conversation came to an end I found myself looking into his eyes saying "thank you" in a sweet, genuinely grateful tone. I'm not sure I have ever felt that way about a doctor. He is a little older and thorough and patient and kind and nonjudgmental and his staff were all great too. The nurse and I chatted as if we were old neighbors. It was just comfortable. I was sort of floating on cloud 9 as I walked out of the office at which time the doctor himself came running after me, calling me by name! What?? In what world? He was coming to give me the price list for his IUI's which he has been performing since the IUI was invented. I had been given a general price which I was satisfied with so I kind of forgot that I had asked for a written price list. Turns out, his price per IUI is about 70% cheaper than at the RE's office and we can get started right away. The doctor knew I had an RE and was going to be treated there so he didn't really tell me anything about his IUI experience. I pushed the conversation that way because I liked him so much I wanted to see what he was made of. I can get 3 and 1/2  IUI's for the price of one - I mean wow! Thank you JESUS!

 So!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good ole doc gave me a 5 day script for Provera to bring on friendly aunt flo, 3 days into her I start Femara for 5 days, and then a few days after that I start using ovulation predictor tests. Once that test shows positive, we go in the next day for insemination. Oh oh oh......my husband HATED the RE's office little room for making "deposits"-- he even sent me pictures of creepy sexy pictures on the walls. He was really dreading having to go into that room again. I shared this information with DR S (we will call him DR S from now on) and he said that I could go into the room with my husband at his office and asked if that would make it better. Um yeah! (insert dirty comment that I won't actually write, here)

Off to the races...........I promise to update often! I LOVE reading the full story of fertility treatments. I promise to contribute to this cause. Be blessed, ya'll!