a back story, in short

 I have a pretty bad memory. I remember bits and pieces of things--I can remember how something or someone made me feel but I have a hard time remembering specifics. However, I can tell you all about whats happened on The Real Housewives of Whatever City. But when it comes to things in my life I'm often at a loss. My husband has a great memory and will sometimes remind me of something and I'm all "tell me the story, I don't remember". I've flat out denied incidents ever happening not because I'm a liar but because I simply didn't remember. I'll think back later about the dates and circumstances and go 'oh yeah...!" I have a real good time on the rare occasion I read an old blog or something noteworthy I've scribbled on a piece of paper-- "wow--I really said that?!" "omg I totally forgot about that." I can be a pretty no non-sense kind of person at times and perhaps that's the reason for my forgetting things. I like to know what the problem is, how are you/we going to solve it, problem solved, and here's your ending. At the end of the day, all the little things don't really make a difference to me. I remember in a college English class I took how frustrating it was to write a paper on some topic I cared nothing for. Or having to write about a story you read in a book. My whole thought was if you want to know about this story you can just as easily read the story as you can my commentary, so cut my commentary and read it yourself! Okay--so I'm rambling...

 The reason for mentioning this, I need to share a back story here so that it all makes sense. What led up to where I am now? I hate when I read a blog and there are missing pieces and I have questions. So, I'm going to do my best to tell you how I got here.

What had happened was...

I was probably pushing 20 when my cycles started becoming more and more spread out. I had been married for a few months (at a ridiculously young age, I told you) so naturally I would think maybe I was pregnant. I can remember hearing how so and so was never able to have kids or how so and so had tried for years before getting pregnant. I remember thinking to myself how that could never happen to me. My family, both sides, are the perfect picture of fertility. I just KNEW getting pregnant and having several kids would be easy for me (bahaha). I was 20 and in the room when my sister gave birth to my niece. At that point it was all over, I would need to have a baby too, right away. (Again, bahaha).

So I tried. And I tried. And then I tried some more. At some point I went to the doctor with concerns. New onset of sporadic cycles, unable to conceive, ect.. What I failed to realize and report to the doctor's back then but now can see as clear as day, my body shape totally changed over the course of a couple of years. My mid-section had became increasingly difficult to control where my legs had always been a bigger concern before. I had a bunch of blood tests run and everything was normal. And then I wanted to see my uterus so I scheduled an ultrasound (is it still called an ultrasound if you aren't pregnant? The correct word escapes me at the moment.). I was so nervous when I went in for the appointment. I remember asking the technician questions as she moved the camera about my belly but she told me the radiologist would call me once she reviewed the findings to give me the results. I tearfully told her I wouldn't be able to wait for a phone call and somehow convinced her that she should just tell me right then and there what was up. She left the room for a few minutes and came back and said, "sweetie, you have a beautiful uterus." It was sweet sweet music to my ears and I will never forget her kindness. That was all I needed to hear. Blood results were good, my uterus was beautiful so I just waited thinking surely I would fall pregnant at any time. I was put on birth control to control my periods which I took for all of about 2 weeks. It made me sick and it really made no sense to me at the time. My young, impatient mind thought it was a waste of time. How would I get pregnant on birth control anyway? Which, actually still makes sense that I would think that lol. My periods over the years became more and more sporadic--I could probably count the number of them I've had on my fingers and toes if I had kept count since I was 20'ish.

I went a few years without having health insurance. I was broke and didn't like the idea of having extra money coming out of my paycheck. You see, I used to be invincible and didn't really need it anyway. I never went back to the doctor. Once, a few months before my marriage blew all to pieces I did have what I thought was a period. It was unusual and harsh. I was hanging out with a friend at my house and was in agonizing pain. She left for a few minutes to go to her house to get me some midol. While she was gone I got on my bed on all fours and whaled in pain, the noises that came out were the sounds of a woman in labor. I remember waiting until she left to let loose--I didn't want her to think I was being dramatic. I went into the bathroom and threw up green liquid. And then I passed something that looked like human tissue. I've always wondered about that incident and wondered if I was having a miscarriage and didn't know it. But at the time I suppose I just assumed there was no way that was possible. I will never really know. By that point, I was really depressed and confused. I had lost all hope and had become very hard and bitter.

 I know I was young and maybe people didn't really respond to my concerns because they could see things I didn't but I was very hurt by a lot of people during that time. No one seemed to understand and no one seemed to care. I've never been so low and I can only pray that I never go that low again. To add insult, my husband decided he didn't love me anymore so we separated, and I went on my merry little way. Turns out, life can be really fun when you have NOTHING to lose. At this point I truly had nothing to lose. I was 20-something, divorced (unlovable), and I couldn't have kids (unexplained infertility). I was the biggest failure and loser and who would ever want me now?


 This really is the short of it. It seems unreal that I can sum up so much in 4 paragraphs. The deep feelings of pain and despair have not escaped me but the way I deal with it has. I used to think I could control things. Someone recently asked me when I got so strong, I told her that once you take enough hits in life you learn to surrender. What choice do we have? You can drown in your sorrows and be miserable forever and continue to do it your own way or you can finally just GIVE IT TO GOD. He wants it anyway! We are NOT in control. And what a mighty good thing we aren't. That whole being in control gig is very tiring.


Coming up: someone wants me and it turns out it is explainable

trust and obey

After a divorce, a quick party animal stint, a new relationship and subsequent marriage, I found myself still childless. (I do have step-children whom I love and adore very much but of course they have a great mom already. I can be a great step-mom to them but this title does have it's limits.) Once I was settled into my new marriage and we'd bought our house, I figured if I wasn't going to have children I should go back to school to get an education doing something that I love. I've been doing office work for years and I really don't like it. Does anyone?

 In spending years struggling with infertility and the thoughts of "who am I supposed to be if not a mom?" "whatever will I do with my life!" I finally came to grips with the fact that I needed to move on and find something else to make my baby. So, I signed up for hair school and haven't looked back.

 Now that I've found this new amazing passion and new goals to work toward, the strongest feelings of wanting to have a baby have started flooding back to me. I don't feel sad about it and I don't feel fear (I never thought I would be able to honestly say that). God knows my hearts desires and He knows exactly what He wants for me. My life is not my own, it is His. The words to the old hymn Trust and Obey play in my head hundreds of times a day. Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey. Trust and obey--I strive every day to do just that. If I want to surrender control to the man in charge that really is all I have to do.

 We had an appointment with an infertility specialist on Monday but the doctor was majorly running behind so I had to leave and reschedule. I am anxiously awaiting our next scheduled appointment early next month. I feel hope and at peace with the journey we will hopefully soon be embarking on.

 I am so excited to share this journey of maybe baby and hair school graduation. Who knows where all these great things will lead--I'm too concerned with TRUSTING and OBEYING to worry.

insert introduction here

Wow it's been a long time since I've blogged and oh how I've missed it. I kept up with a blog years ago and had acquired a decent following. When my life took a sudden new direction so did my posts so then I started using a new blog which I haven't used in a year or two.

You see, I started blogging after stumbling upon blogs while on a quest to understand infertility and adoption. The first blog I found, I read the entire thing--years worth of one persons writings. I was inspired by her life, by how real she was and since writing has long been one of my favorite things to do, I started blogging too.

I was in a different place back then. A really different place. I was in my early 20's, had gotten married at a ridiculously young age to the wrong guy but to top it off, I was struggling in a major way with depression which stemmed from the inability to become pregnant. Looking back though, boy am I grateful it didn't happen on my time table. It just would have been all wrong. I was very angry with God and very unsure on who I was and what I was supposed to do with my life. I would cry and plead with God and openly tell Him I was mad at Him and question how He could do this to me. Lucky for me, He had my back all along. :)

You see, I never had big aspirations as a kid. I wanted to be a wife and a mom, that's all. When I was a teenager I would play scenes in my head of what it would look like when my husband walked through the door after work. The children would be napping and while dinner was cooking we'd get naked and make passionate love (maybe that part was more inspired by raging teenage hormones, but I still can vividly remember my vivid imagination) and our life was grand. Oh and our house was really big. All of the kids friends would hang out in our huge house. Our community would be the kind that watched out for each other. We would plan massive play dates and cookouts and teach our children to be amazing adults. The kind that would give their last dollar to someone who needed it more although, they would probably not be short on dollars because they will have had the best education and fabulous work ethics. And in these dream scenes I WAS SKINNY! Ahhh I had so many dreams.

I'd like to say the ideals I've always held dear haven't escaped me but I don't know that that would be entirely true. I've had my heart broken by the people who I trusted to never do such things. I can almost always see the positive in a situation but underneath there is a raging pessimist. I wasn't always so pessimistic but somewhere along the way I let bitterness in and still struggle to keep it at bay sometimes.

If memory serves me correctly, the very first blog I ever wrote a few years ago was titled something like "Chocolate and Cigarettes". It's funny because no matter how different my life is, the things I've gone through, the person I've changed into, "chocolate and cigarettes" still wouldn't be a half bad intro.

I've missed blogging many times over. I am beginning again. I believe I am on a journey to great things. I can't wait to share the many emotions I know are coming soon.

Much more coming up.