Let's be friends :)

I would love to connect with women who are going through fertility treatment, have made the decision to live childfree, or who have a story...everyone has a story right? Drop me a line and if you have it, a link to your twitter, blog, ect.. I hope to hear from YOU. Be blessed.

Fertility drugs and living child free blogs don't mix

I come to you today on cycle day 5, 3 days into Femara and deeply into thoughts I've never really had before. By happenstance I started following a childless writer on twitter who advocates for women who are childless, not necessarily by choice but who have decided to come to terms with their fate. I read a comment left by a 50-something woman who was writing about having two step-children and closing her infertility chapter until (step) grandchildren came along, and then the grief opened up again. She wrote "the baby looks a little bit like everyone except for me...". This hurt me. I wonder if someday that will be me. I still haven't grieved the loss of my own dream yet. I don't know if it's over yet but I'm in some way trying to prepare myself for it to be. My husband wants so badly for us to have a child. He doesn't put pressure on me or speak about it forcefully but I know. I don't want to disappoint him. I feel like my family is sort of watching me, pitying me and wondering why I haven't had a baby yet. I know being a biological parent isn't the be-all end-all to a woman's life. There are plenty of crappy, absent bio moms to attest to the fact that being a mom isn't every woman's priority. It's just that I always thought it would be mine. It's an identity crisis for me. A hole in my heart that i cant fill. It seems odd that I am trying to grieve the loss of ever being a biological mom amidst undergoing fertility treatment. I asked my husband the other day what we would do if the iui's don't work, would we move to ivf if we could ever afford it? He said he felt a moral conflict with ivf, as do I. There was a finality to that conversation--we will do what we can but neither is willing to compromise our moral grounding for a baby. I think right now the fertility Meds are starting to catch my emotions. I just want to be able to grieve this loss and be okay. Sure, the party isn't over yet but can a woman just have inuition that maybe it is? I want to organize an infertility grief weekend for women or something...there has to be a better way to support and be supported. This is such a silent lonely journey.


I should note that being 3 days into the femara and doubled this cycled seems to be a bit more challenging. Not sure if its because I've been exercising and just stayed busy in general, but my body is exhausted. Even after coffee I can't seem to muster the energy to do much of anything. My face and particular underneath my chin is muttled with what seems like acne. Definitely would say this medication has hit me like a truck today.

CD1 round 2

Well I guess as of today we begin again. I'll be starting 5mg's of Femara on Tuesday and keeping my fingers crossed that I'll actually ovulate this time. Having my teenaged step-kids around pretty much all the time now has proven how difficult but rewarding parenting can be. I said to my husband yesterday "you know if we don't have a baby that means in 6 years when L is grown we can travel the world and just be together." I also pointed out that I don't feel like we need a baby to solitify our marriage and love--I've really just come to this realization. Over 5 years together and we are more in love today as we've ever been. Not that having a baby together wouldn't be completely amazing, I just know that our love is so strong that with or without we will be okay. I also pointed out "unless of course if you died then I'd be devastated to not have your child!" Lol...but I'm serious. He listened to me go on and on and he said baby we aren't giving up yet, I agreed and I digress. I feel calm for some reason! It must be all my prayer warriors. Thank you Jesus for peace that passes all understanding! So...here goes nothin...again. Blessings to all!

CD 31 -- waiting for new cycle

Today is CD 31, I finished taking 5 days of Provera on CD 27 -- I was expecting aunt flo yesterday according to history but no signs yet. Which kind of freaks me out. I called Dr S the OB around CD 21 to let them know I hadn't ovulated so they put me on the Provera and called in 5mg of Femara. So now I just wait for all the crazy to begin again. My husband felt strongly about trying one more time with the OB as opposed to going back to the RE for a much more expensive yet MONITORED cycle. I agreed to give it another go but my hopes aren't super high. My step-kids are living with us full-time now and that's been a crazy transition. In a way it's good because there are other things to occupy my time but it's not like you can really express to young teens what you are going through. I try to smile and pretend like I'm not hurting inside. I don't even really want to blog about this anymore, a big part of me wants to go into a cocoon and hide but I need to. I need to write it out, keep a record; not only for myself but hopefully someday my story will be an extra push to someone else not to give up. Because trust me, if I ever get pregnant...anyone can.

this is hard

Here I am on CD 21 after 2.5mg of Femara on CD's 3-7 and still no positive OPK. I'm pretty sure I had growing follies at around CD 17 that didn't release --I felt like I was brewing triplets but never did see that smiley face. I'm feeling discouraged. I googled "what day did you ovulate on femara" and amazingly got results--(why did I wait so long?) apparently it isn't all that uncommon not to ovulate on your own even with the Femara and need a trigger shot. I pretty much gave up on this cycle days ago but now I'm confused as to where to go from here. It is difficult to cycle without being monitored. It's a constant guessing game and checking for signs and symptoms. It's emotionally exhausting. Our house is supposed to be going on the market soon but I don't care anymore - I'm in no hurry. I think the real estate agent is getting frustrated with me but its not like I can say oh I'm going through fertility treatments right now....people don't understand that. I don't really want to do much of anything as I don't really care to discuss this matter yet it's the only thing really on my mind. I promised myself I would not become consumed by this again and I'm trying really hard but I don't know where to go from here. Do I call Dr S the ob and see what to do or do I go ahead and go back to the RE where they drag things out BUT monitor your cycles and give a trigger shot? I'm super confused. My husband wants to try again with Dr S but my gut is telling me just to go back to RE. I feel as if I've cheated on the RE. Oh well........what to do? I just want to hold my own baby, for once. Can it just be my turn yet?