i found my doctor

I'm sitting at Quest Diagnostics right now. The new doctor ordered blood work, including the 3 hour glucose test. Maybe because it's holiday time, but I seriously lucked up--I'm used to these blood suckers overflowing with people but today there were only two in front of me and my appointment began right on time. The blood sucker said she would leave me just enough blood to walk out the door. She had to draw a ton! She offered me the waiting room with recliners and since no one else is here I accepted, turned the lights off and shut the door. For the first hour interval I laid here quietly reflecting on the reason I am here. This is for a baby. My baby. Maybe even babies. I thought about how much I love them already, although they aren't yet here. Is that psycho? I used to be scared to have sweet, positive thoughts and believe that perhaps one day I would indeed get to be a mom, too. I know life will be okay if it never happens but I also know I don't want to be completely blind sided if it does happen. I believe in God's most perfect will and I am prepared for whatever He gives me.

The new doctor I went to was amazing. After even just signing in and giving my urine sample I already knew this would be my office. The office is big and the decor is fabulous. The staff were a plenty and always helpful. And then I met the doctor and he is just kind and down to earth and he explains things. He explained the testing we would be doing and what our next steps would be. He gave me a sheet and marked the tasks I needed to complete--I appreciate this, a to do sheet is really helpful since this process can seem so overwhelming. In 2 weeks I go in to discuss the results of the lab results I am currently suffering through (and starving!) and then 2 days after that I go in for an ultrasound. I am especially excited and scared about the ultrasound. I haven't had one in 1 to 2 years so I'm curious to see what is going on in there. I'm wondering if I'll have cysts that will need to be removed or anything else funky. Fingers crossed :)

I found this doctor after a few people on a message board suggested him. I combed over the internet searching for info on him and all was good! I saw his picture on his website. 30's, possibly Jewish...I liked him already. I went out with a 30-something Jewish lawyer before I married my husband. Being from the South you don't meet tons of Jews to be honest. I still feel kindly towards the lawyer, he was very sharp but also very down to earth. I was hoping that this possibly Jewish doctor would be like him. I don't even know if the doctor is a Jew, after meeting him--but I had high expectations as to the personality he would have and he totally met them. I'm not sure that one has anything to do with the other though (haha), I was just hoping he would be the kind of Jew I knew. And he was......except he may not even be Jewish

this made me laugh...

quitter

If anyone is reading this, I hope you had a great Christmas! Christmas was my last day to be a smoker. Sometime in the fall I set my mind to quitting over Christmas break and sometime at the beginning of the Christmas break I set my mind to quitting on Monday, the day after Christmas. I still had smokes left on Monday, 4 to be exact and leaving them just wouldn't do, of course I smoked them. I smoked the last one just around dark that day. I've had closer to 48 smoke free hours than 36, and let me tell you, it sucks so bad. My husband too, who unlike me didn't start smoking until his mid to late 30's, is also quitting. I almost know that I can not do it if he doesn't. I don't know adult life without nicotine and it really doesn't take much twisting at all to twist my arm...completely off. Of course this time there is a much bigger reason for quitting--IVF. I want to have a few months of nicotine sobriety before I attempt this. Did I tell you? We are shooting for IVF in April-May, although I am thinking closer to June. I want to finish school and have it be nice and behind me first. I'll be done in May, possibly April. Tomorrow I am going to meet with a different fertility doctor. He comes highly recommended and seems like a better option for us for various reasons-I hope it goes well. The last doctor I went to, while I liked him initially, after I had time to process his words I sort of came up short. He gave me a prescription and an order for blood work, when I asked what this would tell him he replied, "everything". At the time the answer seemed sort of witty and no brainer-ish but now that I think of it, I don't really need my doctor to be witty. I need him to answer my questions in long-winded laymens terms. I need him to make me understand and feel confident in his abilities.

Anyway, the same day I quit smoking I also decided to restrict my carb intake. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. While I've eaten approxiamately four hundred-ninety six salads in the past 3 days, no bread or potatoes, I have failed at not eating sugar. Second to nicotine, maybe even above nicotine, sugar is my favorite food group. This no smoking business is really hard but obviously it is neccessary. I get to points in my smoking where I am so sick of it-I'm sick of buying them and buying body spray, gum, and lighters to accompany the habit. It is a ridiculous and disgusting habit that I happen to LOVE VERY MUCH. Sick, I know. But I can't do it anymore. This go at quitting has found me purely determined and that is something I couldn't say for ALL the other times. I used Chantix a year ago, around Thanksgiving. It made me so depressed and crazy it's a wonder I didn't blow my brains into millions of little pieces.

My first post after our consult sure was short. I had to go to school right after the appointment for our hair show. It was a crazy busy day/night but I wanted to jot down something the same day as the appointment. The past couple of days I've had work and school (currently should be getting ready for school) and have had not much time to collect my thoughts. Husband and I were finally able to talk a little last night and he told me not to worry. I've been getting myself very worked up over all the silly things like our house isn't big enough, but what if it doesn't work, we are going to be so broke, how will we buy diapers type things. I finally talked to my sister a bit and then finally got on my knees and had to give it to God. I feel a peace now, which is what I asked for most. I need a clear sound mind. These last couple of weeks of the semester are stressful and I just need to calm down. ahhh...

Doc needs 3-4 months to get my body ready. I'm hoping this period will end soon so I can take the meds to start a new one so I can go do the blood work and we can get this train rolling! My hormones are really out of control already...taking it in stride...I mean, trying to take it in stride.

we finally had our consult with the infertility doctor. Since my husbands had a vasectomy the cheaper route of IUI is out of the question. Getting me to ovulate and get pregnant isn't all that hard of a task its just that it will cost 10 thousand dollars to get there. thats pretty much the gist of the appointment. he gave me a script for something to give me a period so on day 2 or 3 I can go have blood work done (even though I am already ON my period) (this will surely be a fun month). And then once those test results come back we'll go from there. That is, if we can scrape up 10k.

little white chapel

 I am eagerly anticipating our consultation next week with the fertility doctor. My boobs have been sore for the past three'ish weeks and finally earlier this week I bought a pregnancy test. Of course I knew it would be negative, but since I had a cycle with no intervention a couple of months ago I was kind of thinking it was irresponsible of me not at least rule it out. After all, I would feel like a real crunch ball if I ended up on the show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". And then as luck would have it, three days after a negative pregnancy test and three weeks of sore boobs my body did it again, all by itself. A cycle showed itself. (Dear Body, I am so proud of you.) These somewhat frequent cycles probably have something to do with the fact that I hang around a bunch of chicks all day, can you say estrogen overload? I have a hair show the same day as our consultation. I'm trying to decide when and how to do my make-up for the appointment. In the first scene I'll be playing a school girl with pig tails. For a later scene I'll need a smokey eye. With all the things going on that day, like doing someones hair for the show I'm not sure I'll have time to not get my make-up and curly pig tails done before the appointment. How will I explain to the doctor that I am not a weirdo smokey eye on a Tuesday, pig tail wearing kind of girl on a regular basis and that I'm just a normal person who would make a really great mom? You know what I'm sayin'? Sure, there are much larger problems in the world, MUCH larger, but still I can't help but want to make a good impression.

Ok, changing directions...

I met my friends guy coworker on a trip to the river. Although we made out the same night we met I dismissed him. He was too old and I swore I wouldn't marry a man who had kids. And at this point I was getting ready to settle into a nice relationship that could be forever and stop playing the field. He and I crossed paths a few times at parties and always we were like magnets to each other. We'd always somehow end up having these cute kind of serious conversations and then kissing each others faces off. We went on a couple dates during, between, and around the seeing each other at parties but I really was not interested in a man with kids and an ex-wife, plus he was 14 years older than me not to mention he fell short of my height requirements (if you ever read this, honey, lover, I love you! lol). Finally after months of skirting around each other I finally just went over to his house. We'd sit outside and have these long amazing conversations. Turns out, his kids were conceived artificially because his little swimmers have some issues. He totally understood where I was coming from when I talked about my problem with infertility, he'd lived it. How perfect is that? Someone who understands? I was so concerned when I turned single that I would never find anyone who could understand.

So anyway...to make a long story short (because you know, I'm good at that)........we went to Vegas and got married in a little white chapel and it was fabulous. And then we bought a house, which isn't fabulous but at least we have one and now we are here..............going to the fertility clinic next week....