No more optimism

I just read my last blog entry, the one filled with optimism after the last iui. I'm here to tell you that optimism is dead and buried. I had so many horrible side effects from the hcg trigger that even in that 2 week wait I started to sort of hope I wasn't pregnant because I didn't know if I could deal with 40 weeks of those hormones. My husband and I talked about our bucket lists and book a Christmas cruise even before we were sure of a negative test. There has to be more to life, for us, than constantly living in the "what if" or "just in case". I'm sick of it. I simply can't do it anymore. My husband wants to try Ivf someday but I don't really have an opinion on that yet. I don't know if I want to. I'm tired of it all. I want off the ride and honestly, in my own mind--I'm off.