Wow it's been a long time since I've blogged and oh how I've missed it. I kept up with a blog years ago and had acquired a decent following. When my life took a sudden new direction so did my posts so then I started using a new blog which I haven't used in a year or two.
You see, I started blogging after stumbling upon blogs while on a quest to understand infertility and adoption. The first blog I found, I read the entire thing--years worth of one persons writings. I was inspired by her life, by how real she was and since writing has long been one of my favorite things to do, I started blogging too.
I was in a different place back then. A really different place. I was in my early 20's, had gotten married at a ridiculously young age to the wrong guy but to top it off, I was struggling in a major way with depression which stemmed from the inability to become pregnant. Looking back though, boy am I grateful it didn't happen on my time table. It just would have been all wrong. I was very angry with God and very unsure on who I was and what I was supposed to do with my life. I would cry and plead with God and openly tell Him I was mad at Him and question how He could do this to me. Lucky for me, He had my back all along. :)
You see, I never had big aspirations as a kid. I wanted to be a wife and a mom, that's all. When I was a teenager I would play scenes in my head of what it would look like when my husband walked through the door after work. The children would be napping and while dinner was cooking we'd get naked and make passionate love (maybe that part was more inspired by raging teenage hormones, but I still can vividly remember my vivid imagination) and our life was grand. Oh and our house was really big. All of the kids friends would hang out in our huge house. Our community would be the kind that watched out for each other. We would plan massive play dates and cookouts and teach our children to be amazing adults. The kind that would give their last dollar to someone who needed it more although, they would probably not be short on dollars because they will have had the best education and fabulous work ethics. And in these dream scenes I WAS SKINNY! Ahhh I had so many dreams.
I'd like to say the ideals I've always held dear haven't escaped me but I don't know that that would be entirely true. I've had my heart broken by the people who I trusted to never do such things. I can almost always see the positive in a situation but underneath there is a raging pessimist. I wasn't always so pessimistic but somewhere along the way I let bitterness in and still struggle to keep it at bay sometimes.
If memory serves me correctly, the very first blog I ever wrote a few years ago was titled something like "Chocolate and Cigarettes". It's funny because no matter how different my life is, the things I've gone through, the person I've changed into, "chocolate and cigarettes" still wouldn't be a half bad intro.
I've missed blogging many times over. I am beginning again. I believe I am on a journey to great things. I can't wait to share the many emotions I know are coming soon.
Much more coming up.
No comments:
Post a Comment