I have a pretty bad memory. I remember bits and pieces of things--I can remember how something or someone made me feel but I have a hard time remembering specifics. However, I can tell you all about whats happened on The Real Housewives of Whatever City. But when it comes to things in my life I'm often at a loss. My husband has a great memory and will sometimes remind me of something and I'm all "tell me the story, I don't remember". I've flat out denied incidents ever happening not because I'm a liar but because I simply didn't remember. I'll think back later about the dates and circumstances and go 'oh yeah...!" I have a real good time on the rare occasion I read an old blog or something noteworthy I've scribbled on a piece of paper-- "wow--I really said that?!" "omg I totally forgot about that." I can be a pretty no non-sense kind of person at times and perhaps that's the reason for my forgetting things. I like to know what the problem is, how are you/we going to solve it, problem solved, and here's your ending. At the end of the day, all the little things don't really make a difference to me. I remember in a college English class I took how frustrating it was to write a paper on some topic I cared nothing for. Or having to write about a story you read in a book. My whole thought was if you want to know about this story you can just as easily read the story as you can my commentary, so cut my commentary and read it yourself! Okay--so I'm rambling...
The reason for mentioning this, I need to share a back story here so that it all makes sense. What led up to where I am now? I hate when I read a blog and there are missing pieces and I have questions. So, I'm going to do my best to tell you how I got here.
What had happened was...
I was probably pushing 20 when my cycles started becoming more and more spread out. I had been married for a few months (at a ridiculously young age, I told you) so naturally I would think maybe I was pregnant. I can remember hearing how so and so was never able to have kids or how so and so had tried for years before getting pregnant. I remember thinking to myself how that could never happen to me. My family, both sides, are the perfect picture of fertility. I just KNEW getting pregnant and having several kids would be easy for me (bahaha). I was 20 and in the room when my sister gave birth to my niece. At that point it was all over, I would need to have a baby too, right away. (Again, bahaha).
So I tried. And I tried. And then I tried some more. At some point I went to the doctor with concerns. New onset of sporadic cycles, unable to conceive, ect.. What I failed to realize and report to the doctor's back then but now can see as clear as day, my body shape totally changed over the course of a couple of years. My mid-section had became increasingly difficult to control where my legs had always been a bigger concern before. I had a bunch of blood tests run and everything was normal. And then I wanted to see my uterus so I scheduled an ultrasound (is it still called an ultrasound if you aren't pregnant? The correct word escapes me at the moment.). I was so nervous when I went in for the appointment. I remember asking the technician questions as she moved the camera about my belly but she told me the radiologist would call me once she reviewed the findings to give me the results. I tearfully told her I wouldn't be able to wait for a phone call and somehow convinced her that she should just tell me right then and there what was up. She left the room for a few minutes and came back and said, "sweetie, you have a beautiful uterus." It was sweet sweet music to my ears and I will never forget her kindness. That was all I needed to hear. Blood results were good, my uterus was beautiful so I just waited thinking surely I would fall pregnant at any time. I was put on birth control to control my periods which I took for all of about 2 weeks. It made me sick and it really made no sense to me at the time. My young, impatient mind thought it was a waste of time. How would I get pregnant on birth control anyway? Which, actually still makes sense that I would think that lol. My periods over the years became more and more sporadic--I could probably count the number of them I've had on my fingers and toes if I had kept count since I was 20'ish.
I went a few years without having health insurance. I was broke and didn't like the idea of having extra money coming out of my paycheck. You see, I used to be invincible and didn't really need it anyway. I never went back to the doctor. Once, a few months before my marriage blew all to pieces I did have what I thought was a period. It was unusual and harsh. I was hanging out with a friend at my house and was in agonizing pain. She left for a few minutes to go to her house to get me some midol. While she was gone I got on my bed on all fours and whaled in pain, the noises that came out were the sounds of a woman in labor. I remember waiting until she left to let loose--I didn't want her to think I was being dramatic. I went into the bathroom and threw up green liquid. And then I passed something that looked like human tissue. I've always wondered about that incident and wondered if I was having a miscarriage and didn't know it. But at the time I suppose I just assumed there was no way that was possible. I will never really know. By that point, I was really depressed and confused. I had lost all hope and had become very hard and bitter.
I know I was young and maybe people didn't really respond to my concerns because they could see things I didn't but I was very hurt by a lot of people during that time. No one seemed to understand and no one seemed to care. I've never been so low and I can only pray that I never go that low again. To add insult, my husband decided he didn't love me anymore so we separated, and I went on my merry little way. Turns out, life can be really fun when you have NOTHING to lose. At this point I truly had nothing to lose. I was 20-something, divorced (unlovable), and I couldn't have kids (unexplained infertility). I was the biggest failure and loser and who would ever want me now?
This really is the short of it. It seems unreal that I can sum up so much in 4 paragraphs. The deep feelings of pain and despair have not escaped me but the way I deal with it has. I used to think I could control things. Someone recently asked me when I got so strong, I told her that once you take enough hits in life you learn to surrender. What choice do we have? You can drown in your sorrows and be miserable forever and continue to do it your own way or you can finally just GIVE IT TO GOD. He wants it anyway! We are NOT in control. And what a mighty good thing we aren't. That whole being in control gig is very tiring.
Coming up: someone wants me and it turns out it is explainable
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