quitter

If anyone is reading this, I hope you had a great Christmas! Christmas was my last day to be a smoker. Sometime in the fall I set my mind to quitting over Christmas break and sometime at the beginning of the Christmas break I set my mind to quitting on Monday, the day after Christmas. I still had smokes left on Monday, 4 to be exact and leaving them just wouldn't do, of course I smoked them. I smoked the last one just around dark that day. I've had closer to 48 smoke free hours than 36, and let me tell you, it sucks so bad. My husband too, who unlike me didn't start smoking until his mid to late 30's, is also quitting. I almost know that I can not do it if he doesn't. I don't know adult life without nicotine and it really doesn't take much twisting at all to twist my arm...completely off. Of course this time there is a much bigger reason for quitting--IVF. I want to have a few months of nicotine sobriety before I attempt this. Did I tell you? We are shooting for IVF in April-May, although I am thinking closer to June. I want to finish school and have it be nice and behind me first. I'll be done in May, possibly April. Tomorrow I am going to meet with a different fertility doctor. He comes highly recommended and seems like a better option for us for various reasons-I hope it goes well. The last doctor I went to, while I liked him initially, after I had time to process his words I sort of came up short. He gave me a prescription and an order for blood work, when I asked what this would tell him he replied, "everything". At the time the answer seemed sort of witty and no brainer-ish but now that I think of it, I don't really need my doctor to be witty. I need him to answer my questions in long-winded laymens terms. I need him to make me understand and feel confident in his abilities.

Anyway, the same day I quit smoking I also decided to restrict my carb intake. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. While I've eaten approxiamately four hundred-ninety six salads in the past 3 days, no bread or potatoes, I have failed at not eating sugar. Second to nicotine, maybe even above nicotine, sugar is my favorite food group. This no smoking business is really hard but obviously it is neccessary. I get to points in my smoking where I am so sick of it-I'm sick of buying them and buying body spray, gum, and lighters to accompany the habit. It is a ridiculous and disgusting habit that I happen to LOVE VERY MUCH. Sick, I know. But I can't do it anymore. This go at quitting has found me purely determined and that is something I couldn't say for ALL the other times. I used Chantix a year ago, around Thanksgiving. It made me so depressed and crazy it's a wonder I didn't blow my brains into millions of little pieces.