I come to you today on cycle day 5, 3 days into Femara and deeply into thoughts I've never really had before. By happenstance I started following a childless writer on twitter who advocates for women who are childless, not necessarily by choice but who have decided to come to terms with their fate. I read a comment left by a 50-something woman who was writing about having two step-children and closing her infertility chapter until (step) grandchildren came along, and then the grief opened up again. She wrote "the baby looks a little bit like everyone except for me...". This hurt me. I wonder if someday that will be me. I still haven't grieved the loss of my own dream yet. I don't know if it's over yet but I'm in some way trying to prepare myself for it to be. My husband wants so badly for us to have a child. He doesn't put pressure on me or speak about it forcefully but I know. I don't want to disappoint him. I feel like my family is sort of watching me, pitying me and wondering why I haven't had a baby yet. I know being a biological parent isn't the be-all end-all to a woman's life. There are plenty of crappy, absent bio moms to attest to the fact that being a mom isn't every woman's priority. It's just that I always thought it would be mine. It's an identity crisis for me. A hole in my heart that i cant fill. It seems odd that I am trying to grieve the loss of ever being a biological mom amidst undergoing fertility treatment. I asked my husband the other day what we would do if the iui's don't work, would we move to ivf if we could ever afford it? He said he felt a moral conflict with ivf, as do I. There was a finality to that conversation--we will do what we can but neither is willing to compromise our moral grounding for a baby. I think right now the fertility Meds are starting to catch my emotions. I just want to be able to grieve this loss and be okay. Sure, the party isn't over yet but can a woman just have inuition that maybe it is? I want to organize an infertility grief weekend for women or something...there has to be a better way to support and be supported. This is such a silent lonely journey.
I should note that being 3 days into the femara and doubled this cycled seems to be a bit more challenging. Not sure if its because I've been exercising and just stayed busy in general, but my body is exhausted. Even after coffee I can't seem to muster the energy to do much of anything. My face and particular underneath my chin is muttled with what seems like acne. Definitely would say this medication has hit me like a truck today.
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