Today I got to mark my calendar, CD1! Somehow I knew it would be today! This means that if I do get pregnant this cycle that today would be the date I would put in the due date calculator. I've been reading too many message boards about iui's and I honestly need to stop. I'm encouraged by the reviews of the Femara in PCOS patients but then it scares the crap out of me when people post their sperm analysis and their numbers are way better than mine (I mean my husbands) and they didn't get pregnant. My emotions are so mixed right now--I've been riding this infertility train for at least 8 years, although at times I haven't been active but still, knowing it is a problem is a hard pill to swallow. I'm very very excited, like physically smiling when no one is looking excited to finally have the opportunity to do a fertility treatment. I have stressed over it for so long and now it's finally my turn. I'm trying to not give any of the negative thoughts and fears any attention rather than focus on how grateful I am. But at the same time I'm afraid of the disappointment. I'm sort of really used to the disappointment though, unfortunately. Really above all, I'm just excited and grateful! My thoughts are so scattered!

 So earlier I posted about my love of nicotine. I've  recently broken the habit with the help of nicotine patches but let me tell you it is no picnic. I am caging myself in ad staying pretty closed off to the world, still because it doesn't take much to trigger me. I'm not sure most people in my life get this but whatever, it is what it is. One day I will feel normal again right? Also my love affair with diet coke ended about a month ago- I just have one coffee in the morning now and drink water the rest of the day. Lots and lots of changes. If isolating myself is propelling me into bigger and better then I'm okay with it. I'm jut keeping it real, k?