All about the benjamins....

My husband started his his HCG shots last week. I was expecting he would immediately turn into some sexual deviant but that hasn't happened so much and I'm really cool with it. He was kind of acting like a girl on Sunday morning (which tends to happen during the Sunday morning trying to get to church on time hustle) but this Sunday it was extra noticeable. He got a drink for us to share and when I commented on the fact that he drank it all and I was SO thirsty (I was joking, usually he wittily responds to my teasing) he got all emotional. "There's another McDonald's right by the church I'll stop and get you another one!" I couldn't help but openly laugh at him and he finally admitted "You've got me all jacked up on hormones what do you expect?" It's kind of fun to give him a turn in this hormone inducing process. Poor thing.

 I'm super confused on what to do next. He takes a blood test next week to check how he is responding to the HCG and 2 weeks after that they will check a sperm sample. I need to keep my body ready but I'm not sure how to go about it at this point. He has 4 months worth of HCG but in infertility world 4 months goes by like 4 days in terms of cycle opportunities. I haven't counted the days but I was a few days into my last cycle on my birthday March 26th so if I was going to start another on my own it should be here or really close. The crazy thing is a couple weeks ago (this is super TMI) when I wiped I had stretchy CM. CM is something I generally lack and so it made me think that maybe I had ovulated on my own--perhaps the Femara awoke the beast? I do not monitor my CM, so I know I did not imagine it! With that said, should I wait it out a few days to see if I'll get aunt flo on my own or go ahead and call for some Provera to bring on a cycle? And then should I take femara even though no IUI is planned until we see results of HCG injections? It could happen naturally, right? I mean, if we were both jacked up on meds? And my third source of confusion is the whole OB vs. RE for IUI thing. My heart of hearts wants to go to the RE for the monitoring factor and the fact that he is super thorough but my bank account tells me that actually injecting sperm into my no-no square is a job that the OB is just as capable of.

 On paper our income looks pretty decent. But hello, we have 2 teenagers, a mortgage, things to fix, car payments, cable, internet, electricity, water, groceries, and did I mention TWO TEENAGERS to support? By the time you pay what you have to pay there just isn't much left. I can't even explain it. It seems like we should be more capable of saving but it just magically disappears. The kids are in private school but next year the girl is planning on a public high school so she can join ROTC and we are considering homeschooling the boy. This should give us some slight relief but it just seems like it is never ever ever ever enough. If we did just one iui with the RE that would probably be all we could afford for a couple months. We could come up with the money for a few consecutive iui's with the OB but would it be smarter to invest more with the RE? I am asking in question form because I don't know the right answer. I feel so up in the air. And then comes the question if iui doesn't work -- how will we ever afford ivf? We have talked about a second mortgage on our house but that would just suck. SO many questions....so little answers. Advice is welcome! Be blessed.

Holy balls, was this a secret?

Guys!! Guys! listen to me for just a minute! 10 2.5mg tablets of Femara is 18 dollars at Costco. I paid almost 200 for it last cycle at Walgreens. Walgreens is my beloved local pharmacy, some techs recognize me before I open my mouth. "Hi Mrs. C!" they'll say. But sweet Walgreens, I'm about to cheat on you sort of like I'm cheating on my doctor. My husband is seeing RE for his sperm issues and he's starting injectable hcg (I think) next week (!) but we are planning to do the next iui with the OB once the RE gives our (okay,his) sperm the go-ahead. I feel kind of bad but you know, we're infertile dammit! We do what we have to do. If we don't advocate for ourselves and watch our pocketbooks no one else will. Anyway so back to my original excitement for this post.....was this cheap drugs at Costco some secret everyone but me knows about??? I mean, I'm kind of hoping that I'm blowing the lid off this so everyone will know now. K so I'm done. Peace

Dear Sperm,

We decided to sit this cycle out while my husband works on his sperm. His primary doctor gave him androgel (testosterone) in a low dose saying that if we increase his testosterone minimally it could help sperm. I'm pretty sure that doctor is a jack hole because if you google androgel it's infamous for making sperm counts go to ZEE-ROW. So husband stopped taking it and he's got an appointment with the RE tomorrow to discuss other options. HCG or HSG? I should know the difference but I don't. Hopefully he'll get on something that will help and we won't be shooting blanks during iui. In other news, being a step parent is so hard. You can be so good to the kids and sacrifice much of yourself for them as their mom can plant one petty idea in their head and then they turn around and smack the hell out of you. I signed up for it because I married my husband, I just had no idea how hard it would be. My first instinct when I don't like a situation is just to run. It's kind of all I know. It's what I do. It's what my mother did. Sticking this storm out is a huge lesson for me. Anyway, that's super off subject of this blog but I suppose I needed to get it off my chest. Oh and I went back to my old job. The job I've had on and off for over 10 years. It feels like home to be back and it's a nice escape from being an infertile step-mom housewife. Ugh that title just looks so ugly. Not what I envisioned for my life. God knows better and His plans are bigger makes sense even if I can't see it, right? Be blessed.

13 days post iui, hello Aunt Flo

I guess this at least confirms the fact that I did ovulate and was correct about the timing. I can't start another cycle this month because my husband thought he lost his wallet and canceled our med card therefore I can't get the medication. (Am I bitter? You betcha) So there's that. Instead of selling my house I'm considering refinancing in order to afford ivf. We have a local RE who I've consulted with before that freezes eggs not embryos. **real time update** my husband just sent me to new med card number. lol...pretty sure he knew the great wrath he was about to face, he acted quick! K so now off to call the doctor to see if another iui is even a viable option.

Cd25/6 days post iui

I am losing my mind.

IUI complete

Yesterday was iui day and it was much more difficult than I anticipated. The doctor came into the room as I'm on the table ready for the procedure and tells me there are more dead sperm than alive. But he says it only takes one. I asked him how many there were but he said they didn't count them. He was basically asking if we wanted to move forward. I asked him what he thought and that's when he said it only takes one and he said its worth trying this was a couple of times. My feelings were hurt at this point and I was confused. And then they started going to work. Apparently my uterus is high and small so it took lots of prodding to get the catheter in the right place. It was much more painful than I anticipated. I laid there covered my face with my hands and arms just trying to be strong. My husband rubbed me and held me and he was so everything I could ever ask for in a husband and support. As soon as the procedure was done I lost it. I started crying uncontrollably and honestly I don't remember much of what anyone said to me. I was just hurt and it all hit me in a deep way I can't even explain. I do remember the doctor talking about ivf. That hurt too. He would say something kind of discouraging and then say something positive. It was like a roller coaster. All the while my vagina is being prodded and poked in this unnatural way. No one deserves to have to go through this. I was just upset. The nurse and doc left the room while I laid there. T and I didn't talk. I just cried. He kept rubbing me and looking at me aski g if I was okay. His face looked to concerned and so loving. Again--couldn't have asked for anything more from him. I don't think I said a word on our 26 mile ride home. I got in the car and laid the seat back. I cried a little and then looked at the sky. I was pretending the shapes of the clouds were shaped like babies, I was talking to God--trying so hard to give it to Him and to have faith that He is in control and no matter what the numbers if it was His will it would be. I started following the sun and I told God that if He was with me to let the sun follow me home. I love the sun. It did. When we turned I into our neighborhood it lost me for a second. But when we turned onto our street there it was again shining brightly at me. I walked into the house and into my bedroom and collapsed on my bed into a sea of tears. It was one of the most traumatic and emotional days of my life. I slept for most of it, on purpose. After we made whoopie last night T told me to pick my butt up. When I asked why he said he was going to put something under it so maybe "more" would go in. It was so cute. He said he felt a peace when he prayed and he seemed kind of excited that it will work. I've given it to God and I'm just trying to turn off my emotions for now. I know this post I splattered all over the place but I wanted to update before my memory goes foggy. Be blessed.

CD18 brings a surprise!

As you can imagine or have possibly experienced, peeing on a stick 2-3 times a day for days on end after one failed cycle can become quite daunting and start to seem pointless. Yesterday, per OPK instructions as I was out running errands I realized that by the time I got home it would have been 4 hours since I'd relieved myself. I worked myself up good thinking "this is going to be it! I just know those 2 lines will be the same today!" I was wrong. I told my husband I didn't want to do this anymore and decided in my own head that I would continue testing until cd21 at which point I would never look at an OPK again. Only RE monitored cycles from now on. Well...

I peed on the stick this morning when I first woke up. It was negative and I didn't give it a second thought. I had dinner with a friend last night who asked me about everything and when I told her it wasn't going good she looked so sad for me and I found myself consoling her in a way--likely to console myself though. "It's okay! Maybe it just isn't in my cards! I know raising kids isn't flowers and lollipops! I'm already raising teenagers, do I really want to start over anyway? When my husband retires we'll travel!" I still believe everything I told her and I know I'm going to be okay no matter what. However, much to my huge surprise I did an 11:30 test today and it was positive!!! It was a double take triple take kind of thing. I can not stress enough how much I didn't expect it. I of course let my husband know right away but it wasn't until I sent a picture of the positive test and got a response from my sister that I sort of lost control. Her first response "OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Second "when u going to dr????????" Third "my stomach is butterflying like crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!" I read all 3 messages at once and I just lost it. If you knew my sister you'd know she is kind of dry and rarely shows emotion. She is amazing and beautiful and her dry humor is nothing but endearing (she's actually the pretty sister lol....even though one time this old lady said I was hehe) but my point is if you knew hew you'd know all the question and exclamation marks are unprecedented and that's when it hit me. My sister has been praying for me and listening to me and living this infertility with me for so many years, it felt so good to actually tell her something good! Through tears I called the doctors office and you guys...YOU GUYS...I asked if my husband should come with me for the iui. You guys. Most insane words I have probably ever said. That's okay I can forgive myself lol. I took another test at 2 with a fresh brew and that was also positive--this made it officially official.

We go in tomorrow morning at 9am and I am kind of freaking. Since the doctor said I can go in the room with T while he's making his deposit I keep asking my husband dumb questions like "what are we gonna do in that room? How are we gonna do it? How am I going to help?" Lol I'm just so nervous. T pointed out to me how far we've come in this process from where we were a year ago. He has a great point, but still. And crazily enough my ovaries feel very full tonight, suddenly. I hope that's a good sign. I keep telling myself "don't put a limit on what God can do!" Trying to keep negative thoughts at bay! Update soon--pray so hard!! Be blessed.