Defeated

I went to the RE this morning for my baseline ultrasound and found that my ovaries look good and my lining is 9mm. But before the good news about my own body the news of my husbands sperm analysis from Monday got dropped on me. 7.1 million. Nothing has improved since last time and the count is actually lower. I was depressed the moment I walked into the building. There was a couple stopped on the sidewalk with a precious little boy who couldn't have been older than 2. The mom started singing "raindrops on my head" to the little boy. You could tell she was an awesome mom and her boy adored her. Somehow I ended up getting behind this family on the elevator. The woman looked at me after she pressed the 2 and I said "I think I need 3". There are only 3 floors in the building, the first is the surgery center and in my head it wasn't possible that they'd be going to the same floor as me. When the door opened on the second floor I realized we were going to the same place. It was lovely to see such a precious child yet an all too well reminder of what I long for.
 One I got the news of the sperm analysis my mind was not there anymore. The nurse started talking to me about dates and ultrasounds and calendars and I honestly can't remember anything she said. I wasn't listening. She even stopped to ask, "is everything else okay?" Maybe my distant withdrawn demeanor isn't what she's used to? I just wanted to get in my car so I could cry. T and I just had some deep discussions last night in which he told me he how bad he wanted a baby with me. It was and is still raining when I finally left the torture office and no sooner than I shut my car door I shed my tears  and then I drove away. I started thinking of ways to do another iui not at RE prices. Failures that cost a few hundred dollars are much easier to swallow than ones that cost over a grand. We could try again with the OB without feeling like we were putting so many eggs in a barren basket.

 As I approache home I realized I had 2 sleeping teenagers in my house that will just be waking up with hungry bellies and I went back I to step-mom mode and out of that of self-pity. Last night as I was cutting my step sons hair I said "I can't wait to be. Grandma (it's funny because I'm only 29)! I'm going to spoil those babies so bad!" My step son said "yeah I'm gonna be like, do you want to go to step grandmothers house?" To which I replied "I want to be called Nanna! You guys promise I could be Nanna!" To which he says "oh yeah, okay!" I mention this because those words hurt. Step grandma. There is a thing as being a step parent. But a step grandparent? No. I just want to be Nanna.

 My husband texted with me about how disappointed he was today. I told him I loved him and that wasn't going to change. Last night he told me that in making his decision to marry me he'd told himself that he would do whatever it took to make me a mother. Sometimes I just want to give up. When I texted him today telling him I didn't want to do this he wrote back saying "but I do". He knows I don't meant when I say I do t want this. He knows I want it. He also knows how upset I get at failed attempts. My husband is 43. The clock is ticking.

 Sometimes I think about just giving up and quitting worrying about saving for fertility treatments. I could finally buy my dream home with a pool. I could be the entertainer I love being. The kids friends could hang out at our house and have fun. Make memories. Since my step kids moved in late last year it seems the walls on our house are closing in. But I feel sort of stuck here in a lower mortgage JUST IN CASE we have a baby. Both for the finances to make it and to afford for me to not need to worry about bringing in income if said baby just so happened to happen. How long do you live your life IN CASE something happens? I'm struggling with this. Very much.